For This House
Every Season. Every Space. All for Him.
Every Season. Every Space. All for Him.
May 11, 2024 | 6 min read
Ally Veldhuisen
Sorry about the dated Taylor Swift reference, but I recently learned that four years ago Taylor accepted the Woman of the Decade Award from Billboard Music. I may be a little behind the times, but I watched her 10+ minute acceptance speech on YouTube anyway.
In her speech, she recounts the first time she changed herself as an artist based on others’ opinions, adding: “I didn’t know then that soon enough people would decide on something else I wasn’t quite doing right and then the circle would keep going on and on and rolling along and I would keep accommodating, over-correcting, in an effort to appease my critics.”
Taylor acknowledged that eventually, she learned to let go of the criticism and “just keep making art”, which we’ve witnessed year after year through her masterful tours, new albums (Tortured Poets Department, anyone?), and becoming an overall icon.
However, this blog isn’t about Taylor and her rise to fame—it’s about insecurity—and if Taylor Swift admittedly struggles with that, it’s definitely okay to admit that I do, too.
It’s tricky being an adult and admitting that you’re still insecure. I suppose I always thought that I’d grow out of insecurity, but I’ve realized it doesn’t disappear, it just evolves. At 26 I’m insecure about different things than I was at 16, but the sneaky self-doubt still creeps in, takes over, and robs me of my confidence.
A lot of this is probably because my priorities are more often mixed up than straightened out. I’m stuck in this “confidence conundrum”. I know who I am, or whose I am (an image-bearer of God, daughter of the King, fully and dearly loved), but there is a subtle whisper that regularly floats insecurity to the surface. A daily battle wages on between the confidence I try to muster and the insecurities that haunt my self-perception.
I scrutinize myself through the lens of what others might think rather than seeing myself through the unconditional love of the Lord. My desire for approval, acceptance, and positive perception becomes a driving force, leading me down the rabbit hole of overthinking every word and action.
This cycle holds me back—sometimes it results in turning into myself, quieting, and refraining from participation. Other times, I am loud, overcompensating, or rash. Whatever my response to insecurity is, it can be frustrating to feel like I’ve lost control of myself, like I’m inconsistent, or like I’m not living into my true identity.
After 27 years of grappling with my evolving insecurities, I’ve decided to create a guide to remind me how to navigate the moments where I forget what matters, I am wrapped up in self-doubt, or I surrender to others’ opinions.
It’s okay to not be the best at something. We are all in different stages of learning and have different gifts. Some skills will take more work for you than for others, and that’s okay. Becoming an expert requires starting somewhere—it doesn’t happen overnight. That person you look up to in a skill also started at square one. Stick with it. Push through. Ask for help! You are capable. And don’t forget your past successes, no matter how small. Reflecting on them can remind you of your abilities.
True beauty comes from the inside. If you aren’t feeling beautiful externally, take note of what is happening internally.
Have you been comparing yourself? Remember, she is not the standard of beauty. You are different flowers—not a single one is made to look the same.
Have you been neglecting your inner care? First, prioritize your time to go for a walk, get outside, or find a seat to refresh your mind. Spend purposeful time talking to the Lord without filling the silence with noise.
Have you neglected your outer care? After addressing your internal state, set aside time for things that help you feel beautiful. Take a long shower, schedule extra time for your hair, go for a walk, paint your nails, do a facial… breathe, and reflect on the value of inner beauty as you enjoy these routines. Go a step further and make a list of qualities you admire about yourself beyond appearance–strengths, accomplishments, positive traits, biblical truths, etc.
How have you spoken to yourself? Notice the tone of your inner voice. Are you as kind to yourself as to a friend or child? If not, resolve to change that.
This is so difficult, yet you are not alone in this. Our broken world leaves everyone feeling left out, lonely, or disconnected at times. Try being brave, though, and put yourself out there.
Text someone you know and invite them to an activity you’d enjoy—a walk, meal at your favorite spot, scenic drive, tennis match, etc.
Check local Facebook groups centered around topics you’re interested in like baking, soccer, or mom’s groups and see if anyone wants to meet up.
Keep an eye out for local events that spark your interest. Initiate conversations and if it feels awkward, you can always gracefully exit (“Ah, need to take my pet parrot to the groomer!”).
If you feel very isolated, don’t write off counseling or a support group as ways to build connection.
It’s okay for others to think you’re strange—let your quirks be quirks! Allow yourself to stand out. You are uniquely you! If your interests, goals, expressions, etc. vary from your company, take a deep breath. Ask them about interests that they feel are weird or quirky. You might be surprised at what you’ll learn.
This extends to other differences, also. Differences in belief or ways of thinking, different methods of parenting, different tastes in food or activities. Don’t silence your preferences for the sake of fitting in. And don’t fear respectfully staying true to yourself and your beliefs. There is a beautiful strength that enters our relationships when we are able to respectfully disagree.
I’m so sorry you feel this way—what a crappy feeling. Remember: Your worth is inherent. Only God gives us worth, not your accomplishments, roles, or how you are perceived by others (or yourself). You are unconditionally loved by the Lord and He has made you worthy. Your worth is received, not achieved.
Spend time meditating on Scriptures that remind you of your identity in Christ and the value He places on you, like Psalm 139, Ephesians 2, or 1 John 3. Seek out people who encourage and uplift you, reminding you of your worth in Christ.
If you can’t shake this feeling after realigning with the Father, seeking out counseling or a support group is an important and respected next step.
As you wade through the waves of life’s evolving insecurities, remember that they don’t have to hold you back. By recognizing the lies and negative self-talk that fuel our insecurities and actively replacing them with truth and grace, we can let go of self-doubt and walk in confidence. We can “just keep making art”, as Taylor would say, living authentically without being constrained by others’ opinions.
True confidence stems from knowing who you belong to before fixating on who you are. It flows from our identity as daughters of the King, not from the fleeting opinions of others.
Embrace your quirks, appreciate the beauty of your current season, and let your light shine BRIGHT. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and your story has value. When those whispers of insecurity rise again, do not be discouraged, but purposefully replace them with truth. It’s slow work, but the reward is great.
Lord,
When insecurity overwhelms me, I feel far from You. I’m losing my footing and grasping for false, worldly identities when my feet should be firmly resting in You. Pull me back into Your loving embrace.
I ask that you help me to surrender the false identities that I cling to. As I release them, fill the void with Your grace, peace, and love. Help me lean into You when tempted to dig up those old identities or construct new ones apart from You.
Surround me with friends who will spur me closer to You, who remind me that I am a daughter of the King, and who celebrate how You have uniquely created me. Open my eyes to the value of the gifts, talents, and quirks You have bestowed. When I’m tempted to trade them in for something else, reveal their purpose in bringing You glory.
Lord, wrap me up in Your truth and send me out with a full heart—a confidence that can only come from You. May my life proclaim Your love so others see You and believe.
Amen